Latest From The News Desk
by Mara Kraus
Summary: This is just something that was E-Mailed to me. It's really funny.:D
1. Default Chapter

The Latest From The News Desk   
  
By:Joey da Clorox(I'm just copying it. He said that he didn't care.)  
  
  
I don't own Gambit or Lara Croft. I think Sara Croft is Joey da Clorox.  
  
Note I have changed some things for my onw ammusement.  
  
  
MARVEL CAPS BLOCKBUSTER TRADE FOR "SARA CROFT"  
  
  
New York - Sara Croft, sister of the ever-popular Lara Croft of "Tomb  
Raider" fame, has been traded to Marvel today in yet another stunning  
move by the Marvel top br(ass).  
  
  
"We're bringing in these new things all for our new readers," Marvel  
Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada said. "When we start cranking out 'Sara  
Croft - Boob Raider' we're really gonna topple the industry.  
  
  
Marvel ended up giving a box of ding dongs, three stale potato chips, a  
warm six-pack of non-alcoholic beer, and the character Gambit to Top Cow  
to obtain the rights to Sara Croft.  
  
The key man on the trade was Ultimate X-Men writer Mark Millar, who is   
slated to pencil the new Sara Croft series.  
  
  
"It was a f---ing unbelievable trade," Millar exclamed. "We cleared out  
space in the frige and got rid of some third-rate characture, and we got  
the chick with 36DD boobs that all the guys wanna shag!"  
  
  
"It was the lack of fan support for Gambit that led us to trade him,"  
Quesada said. "Not once since I dropped his book has anyone made a plea  
for him. In fact, I went on that bulletin board, and all I saw was  
anti-Gambit stuff."  
  
  
On an unrelated sidenote, Top Cow has made plans to re-issue the Gambit   
series to spearhead thier new movement to get new female readers.  
  
  
"What d--m idiots!" was the response from Top Cow Managing Editor Ranae   
Geerlings. "They just gave us one of their most popular charatures AND  
some snacks for the storyline meeting."  
  
  
In other Marvel newl, Cabana Claremont was caught pouring Gasoline in Joe  
Quesada's office. He was apprehended by state police, who claim he was  
"frothing at the mouth, muttering under his breath."  
  
  
Apparently, the comic book legend was unhappy with having his book yanked,  
being made a cabana boy, being put on the Artie and Leech series and finally  
being janitor at Marvel.  
  
"Hey! Where's my mai tai?!?!" was Quesada's response to inquiries.  
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
From the Desk of Joey da Clorox is copyright 2001 *ULTIMATE* RV Enterprises.  
Any transmission or reproduction of this satire is welcomed and even  
encouraged. For those unfamiliar with the joke, chick out the archives at the   
Gambit Guild website. All compliments are to be sent to the respective guild  
list. All flames may be sent to haha@haha.com  
  
Hope you peoples liked this. The people at the Sothern Comfort E-Mail club   
loved it.  
  
Love  
Mara  
  
P.S. If any more about Rogue come my why I'll post it.^_^ 


	2. MORE FROM MARVEL

MORE MARVEL NEWS  
  
By: Joey de Clorox (yet again I'm just coping stuff for you amusement)  
  
  
I'm putting this in the Lastest From the News Desk 'cuz it kinda goes with it.  
:RED ALERT: IF YOU LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS STOP READING THIS RIGHT NOW!!!  
  
  
=======================================================================================================  
  
  
  
In yet another move to attract a younger fanbase, marvel bought the   
rights to Britney Spears from her  
family Saturday in New Orleans.  
  
  
  
"We're gonna introduce her to the Ultimate X-Men team this October,"  
Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada.  
"In that timeline, she's going to be Jean Grey's long-lost twin  
sister who just happens to  
were toob tops, too."  
  
  
  
The news brought a visable tear to Ultimate writer Mark Miller's eye.  
  
  
  
"This is fantastic,"Miller said."She's the girl that went and got DD  
boobs and now ever Bob Dole   
wants to shag her. I think I'll make her mutant power the ability to   
shake her butt, becouse it's explaninable. Like Jean Gray's telekinetics and Cyclps' ability to shoot   
force rays from his eyes.  
They're not like that Gambit dork. How the heck does he make things  
explode, huh?"  
  
  
  
Spears will not be limited to the Ultimate time line. She will also  
appear in Morrison's NUDE X-Men.  
  
  
  
"Didn't you see the way I had Quietly draw White Queen?" Morrison  
asked. "Same hair, slutty outfit... sure she had a male package, but I can easily say she's a   
hermaphrodite. So Britney is  
going to be Emma's protege and lesbian sex slave in NUDE X-Men."  
  
  
  
Finally, in what might be the final humiliation for Cabana Claremont, it  
was announced that not only  
is he the janitor, cabana boy, and penning the new "Artie an dLeech"  
ongoing, he also no longer has a   
desk. Instead, he will do his work on a big rock sitting outside the   
Marvel offices.  
  
  
  
"We're really trying to make an effort to connect with the new readers,"  
Quesada said."By moving  
Cabana Claremont outside, he can get more in touch with the world around him,  
and learn how to write."  
  
  
  
Claremont could not be reached for comment. On his rock outside was a  
taped note that cryptically  
read "I quit." Sources can't identify what exactly Claremont meant by his  
note.  
  
======================================================================================================  



	3. Marvel Releases New Power Grid

Marvel's Releases New Power Grid  
  
Rated:G  
  
Note: If you want to know who wrote this look at the other two before this. This about the new  
power grid Marvel has. It's very funny!   
  
  
*****************************************************************************************  
  
  
NEW YORK- It appears Marvel's new power grid isn't just going to be for the charatures.  
  
  
Joe Quesada, Editor-in-chief, has devised a new power grid sysem to rate his own staff.  
  
  
"It seemed like the right thing to do, 'Quesada said. "It's jsut another effort on our part to  
reach all those new readers.  
  
  
The system will rate the talent from 1 (being the worst) to 10 (being the best)  
  
"I think I did a faerly accurate job, Quesada said.  
  
  
A sampling of fome of the artist's grids were released:  
  
  
Mark Millar  
**********  
Writing-10  
Interviewing-10  
Popularity-10  
Creativity-10  
  
  
Chris Claremont  
***************  
Writing-1  
Interviewing-3  
Popularity- (-3)  
Creativity-2  
  
  
Fabian Nicezia  
**************  
Writing-?  
Interviewing-?  
Popularity-?  
Creativity-?  
  
Note to self... Does he still work here???  
  
  
Wolverine  
*********  
Writing-1,110  
Interviewing-212  
Popularity-1,375,038  
Creativity-3,244  
  
  
When asked why Claremont's scores were so low, Quesada responded "He keeps finding that dead  
spot on the rock, which makes his writing all squiggly. His mai tais have been pretty weak  
lately, too."  
  
  
ULTIMATE 3K  
  
  
Marvel will also be introducing a new comic book in December 2001.  
  
  
"It's a totally new concept that nobody has ever done before!" Quesada exclaimed. "We're gonna  
have me, Joe Quesada, sit in a movie theater with Jubilee and Rogue. We'll watch cheesey   
Marvel comics and make fun of them!"  
  
  
A theme song for it has already been posted on Marvel.com, the lyrics are as follows:  
  
"In the not-too-distant future-  
Next Sunday A. D.-  
There was a guy named Joe,  
not too different from you of me.  
He worked at Stan Lee's Marvel Comics,  
Just another great Editor-in-Chief.  
He did a good job cleaning up the the place,  
But the fans didn't like him  
So they shot him into space.  
  
  
We'll send him cheesy comics,  
The worst we can find (la-la-la)  
He'll have to sit and watch them all,  
And we'll monitor him mind(la-la-la)  
Now keep in mind Joe can't control  
Where the comics vegin or end (la-la-la)  
Becouse he used those special parts  
To make hes comic friends.  
  
  
Comic Roll Call: (All right, let's go!)  
Gambit: (You'll never see me!)  
Kitty: (I'm a girl!)  
Jubilee: (What a cool guy!)  
Roooogue: (He's a wisecracker!)  
  
  
If your wondering how he eats and breathes  
and other science facts (la-la-la)  
Then repeat to yourself, "It's jsut a book,  
I should really just relax  
For Marvel Science Theater 3000!"  
  
  
"It's a totally original concpet, "Quesada sand. "No one has ever done anything like it in any  
entertainment medium."  
***********************************************************************************************  
  
Hope you like. Oh and by the way I have no ill feelings tourds Gambit. I think he is a babe.   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	4. Something New At Marvel

Author: Mara Kraus (not really)  
Rating: PG-13  
Note: Here's a new instalment! Do not read if you don't like to read about gays and the like. Please remember that this a joke. The great man who wrote this is just poking fun at Marvel. There is also a message from the author. I suggest you read it. Please r&r. Peace!  
  
NEW YORK - The house of ideas is at it again, and they've come up with a   
brilliant new plan to further improve the X-titles.  
  
"All of the male characters will become homosexuals, starting with the Beast,"   
Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Quesada said. "All of them except Wolverine, of   
course. The females will be bisexuals and Wolverine will be the only guy who   
gets to bang them."  
  
"They're all gonna be gay," writer Grant Morrison said. "I'm starting with   
Beast and next Cyclops and Gambit will be involved with each other."  
  
The brash move comes as a startling revelation, especially for characters who   
have long since been established as heterosexual in previous issues.  
  
"Huh? There was issues before we came along?" Marvel President Bill Jemas   
said. "You're joking, right? There weren't any X-Men before we came along. We   
invented these characters and we can do whatever we want with them."  
  
Gambit and Cyclops are scheduled to get their own MAX series, which will also   
have Rogue and Jean Grey as a lesbian couple. The four will share an   
apartment, a la something out of "Friends," but with more of a "Sex in the   
City" feel.  
  
"Basically, Jean finds herself attracted to Rogue after seeing her come out of   
the shower," Morrison said. "They make skin contact, but since Jean has   
psychic powers, she can block off Rogue's absorption power. They go on to have   
a steamy lesbian scene in the first issue."  
  
"Cylcops finds himself wanting something more exciting than Jean," Morrison   
added. "And since Gambit hasn't been established as gay I figured we can make   
him gay and the excitement Scott is craving."  
  
Morrison looked astonished when it was pointed out that Gambit defiunately   
preferred women and had banged Belladonna, Rogue, Claire de Luc, a random   
female he rescued for a washed-up crime boss, Sehkmet Conoway, Lila Cheney in   
an alternate reality, Storm in an alternate reality and other females.  
  
"What are you talking about?" Morrison said. "He never did any of those women.   
How could he? I've never even written Gambit before!"  
  
The new MAX comic is slated for a November release.  
  
"We think this change is going to go over real well," Quesada said. "Hey, it   
worked for 'Will and Grace' so why not the X-Men?"  
  
OTHER MARVEL NEWS  
Janitor Roger Scmirnikov was fired after 13 years of service.  
  
"We felt it was time for a change," Quesada said. "Besides, he used Toilet   
Duck and we specifically wanted Clorox!"  
  
Cabana Claremont has gone AWOL, leaving the "Artie and Leech" project in   
limbo. He was last seen crawling through a ventilation duct in the women's   
bathroom.  
  
"Well, since no one actually uses that bathroom we locked him in there for   
refusing to make me mai tais," Quesada said. "Sadly we forgot about the   
ventilation ducts. We have a team of rabid pit bulls sniffing through the   
ducts even as we speak. We'll get him back, and rest assued "Artie and Leech"   
will happen.  
  
*****  
  
DISCLAIMER: This is not a knock on gays, this is a knock on Marvel's tendency   
to go overboard with every change they make. I am not anti-gay, do not send me   
email telling me I am anti-gay. It will be ignored, because I've already   
stated I am not anti-gay. If you can't take my word for it here, why would I   
bother replying to a scathing email, knowing your mind has already been made   
up? Exactly. Have a good day! 


End file.
